


Broken

by notsodarling



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Gen, Guilt, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsodarling/pseuds/notsodarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Derek blames himself for the fire. He may not have spread the gasoline or lit the match, but he’s responsible for the hunters finding out about them. Six years after the fire, and he still lives with the guilt of allowing Kate Argent far enough into his life that she was able to get close enough to the house and set it ablaze with everyone inside."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea the other day to explore Derek Hale's headspace. To try and find out why he's so angry all the time. Why anger is his anchor. I did not mean for any of this to happen.

             “I’ll be back the day after tomorrow,” Derek tells Isaac as he throws a duffel bag into the trunk of his car. Isaac stares back at him, confused of course, but nods in agreement. There’s a lot going on that needs to be handled, Derek knows that. Erica and Boyd are still missing, the Alpha pack is slowly making their presence known within Beacon Hills and Derek is still trying to figure out what to do about Peter.

            “Where are you going?” Isaac asks, even though technically within the pack laws, Derek doesn’t have to tell him.

            So he doesn’t. Derek slams the trunk closed and moves around to the driver side door, pulling it open. “If you have any problems, get Scott. If things get bad, call me.”

            Derek slides into the driver’s seat and revs the engine, hoping that Isaac gets the message and disappears. He doesn’t feel bad about leaving Beacon Hills, because this is something he needs to do. It’s a trip he’s managed to make every year since the fire.

            Except this year, he’s making the trip alone. Laura’s not around anymore, and Derek isn’t sure if he likes the feeling of being completely and totally alone. But he doesn’t have anyone, no longer has someone he can trust, so this is how it has to be.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Derek loves the Camaro, and he thinks most of that is because it was Laura’s car first. Driving it not only makes him miss her, but also reminds him of her. It grounds him in a way that nothing else in Beacon Hills does. And when he’s driving it, Derek feels like all the anger inside him disappears, if only for a little while.

            It had been Laura’s birthright to become an Alpha. Not only because Laura was older, but because she had possessed the qualities of an Alpha. Ever since they were children, Laura had been a natural leader, while Derek had always been more than happy to follow along in her shadow. He’d always assumed that things would stay that way, that he would never have to worry about having his own pack, because Laura was always there to look out for him.

            She had always teased him in that brother-sister way, about how one day he’d find someone, and then he’d want to go off and get married, have children and in a way, he’d be the leader of his own pack. Derek had scoffed at the idea, because he had his family, he had Laura… why did he need anyone else?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~          

           

            Derek blames himself for the fire. He may not have spread the gasoline or lit the match, but he’s responsible for the hunters finding out about them. Six years after the fire, and he still lives with the guilt of allowing Kate Argent far enough into his life that she was able to get close enough to the house and set it ablaze with everyone inside. Derek knows he is responsible for the death of his parents, his aunts and uncles, and his cousins.

            He and Laura had already been back at school, unable to be at the house for the ceremonies surrounding the first full moon of the year because of classes they couldn’t get out of. Some times, when he’s feeling particularly depressed and full of self-loathing hatred, Derek wishes that he’d been home that day. That he’d been killed in the fire with his family. At least then he wouldn’t have to live with the crushing guilt of being responsible for their deaths.

            He doesn’t like to think of that day. How he’d gotten back from classes to find Laura curled up on the couch in their apartment, the phone already crushed to pieces on the floor at her feet. He’d let his instincts take over, and had just gone to her, sat down next to her and cried with her.

            They’d stayed like that until well after midnight, when there were no more tears to be shed. They’d gotten into the car and driven back to Beacon Hills. But there was no longer a place to call home there. All that remained was a burned out shell of a house with a basement that had once contained the remains of their parents, their aunts and uncles, their cousins.

            Derek doesn’t go down into the basement anymore. Every time he does all he hears are the screams of his family, and the smell of burning flesh.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            For as long as he can remember, his parents have had the house on the beach. It’s a three-hour drive from Beacon Hills, but Derek doesn’t mind the solitude now. Driving calms him, if only temporarily. It’s a two-story bungalow-style where his parents would take them during the summer months, far enough away from civilization that he and Laura were allowed to make a full transformation and run wild through the woods. Derek knew that one of his parents always kept a watchful eye on them when they were still young, making sure that they didn’t do something they’d later regret.

            He doesn’t think about how he hasn’t made a full transformation since the fire.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            After the fire, Derek and Laura had agreed on how to handle the remains of their parents, settling on cremating what remained of the bodies and burying the ashes in the woods outside the beach house. Laura had even insisted on picking out headstones for their parents, something Derek had reluctantly agreed to. At the time he’d still been reeling from the deaths, from the fire, that he was responsible for the whole thing.

            In the weeks following the fire, Laura didn’t let him out of her sight. They’d fought constantly as Derek let the guilt consume him. The anger that he should have directed toward Kate and the Argents and the hunters instead he reflected back on himself. Laura had tried in vain to get him to see otherwise, to get him to understand that it wasn’t his fault. But Derek couldn’t believe her, because without him, would the Argents have even known about them? Would they have even found out? The Hales had been able to keep quiet for years, keeping peace and not causing problems for Beacon Hills and the surrounding areas.

            It had been Derek that alerted them to the fact that a family of werewolves were living right under their noses. It had been Derek’s fault that the Argents found out about the Hales. It had been Derek that had led Kate and the rest of the hunters to them.

Derek was surprised it took six years for Laura to finally say she’d had enough of him, and she’d left for Beacon Hills on her own.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            That night, Derek reaches the beach house at sunset. He drops the duffel bag inside the front door and walks straight out back onto the deck to watch the sun fade over the ocean, the sky painted a rainbow of blue, purple, orange, red and yellow. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to see if the calm of this place will help him at all with the transformation.

            There’s no one to ask, but even Derek knows that there’s something wrong with him.

           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Less than a week.

That’s how long it took between Laura leaving the apartment and her murder to happen. Derek blames himself for Laura’s death too. For driving her away when he refused to move on after the fire.

            She calls him once, mentions something about an Alpha in Beacon Hills. Derek only half listens, because he doesn’t think it matters if he knows. He believes that Laura will be able to handle it on her own. He doesn’t want to go back there, doesn’t need to visit the house, doesn’t want to think about Beacon Hills.

            Laura e-mails him all her research the day before she disappears. When he finally tries to call her back, to discuss everything after he’s pulled himself out of the funk he’s in (a mess of self-pity that has only been made worse with each passing year), there’s no answer. When he tries back a couple hours later and Laura still doesn’t pick up, doesn’t return his calls the next day, Derek packs a bag and heads off to Beacon Hills.

            The entire drive there, he doesn’t think about how she might be dead. Doesn’t think about the strange Alpha that had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Doesn’t think about how he’s going to have to visit the house again. And doesn’t think about how he’s going to have to learn how to avoid the Argents.

           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It’s a mistake, taking Scott McCall under his wing. But Derek needs him to track down the Alpha. Derek can’t do it all on his own. He doesn’t have a tie to the Alpha (even if this Alpha had killed Laura, Derek still doesn’t feel the pull that he’d learned about, should his Alpha ever be killed by another Alpha).

            It only makes it worse that Scott McCall is head-over-heels in love with Allison Argent.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It had taken weeks for Derek to finally be allowed access to Laura’s body. After his name was finally cleared, after he was no longer a person of interest to the Beacon Hills Sheriff Department, Derek was finally allowed to have Laura’s remains moved from the morgue in the hospital.

            Derek knows there’s no coming back from a severed spine, but he still wishes that there was some way to bring Laura back.

            Laura’s body is cremated, and Derek is handed a plain white box with her ashes. He knows what to do with them, what he has to do with them. So he goes and buys another headstone, has it engraved and delivered to the beach house for when he finally gets a chance to make the trip.

            He keeps Laura’s ashes in the trunk of the Camaro until he can give her a proper burial next to their parents.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            It should be cathartic, knowing that his uncle slashed Kate’s throat. But mostly, Derek wishes he’d gotten the chance to do it himself.

            He doesn’t mourn Kate Argent’s death.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

             In the morning, Derek tries again. He walks out onto the deck, taking in to peacefulness of the ocean, and tries to transform. He feels his teeth elongate, feels his claws replace fingernails, and knows the feeling of the shift in his face. But there’s no werewolf. He’s still part-human, part werewolf.

            His inability to do a full werewolf transformation only makes the guilt and anger he directs inward on himself worse. There’s no one around anymore to help him. A year ago, he would have asked Laura for help.

            He’d been too stubborn though. Had ignored her when she’d asked about going for a run in the park. He’d figured he could just sort out the problem later, the two of them would eventually figure out why his wolf refused to come out.

            Except now Laura isn’t here to ask.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

             Derek doesn’t like to think about the time he’d spent with Kate Argent. About how she’d manipulated him perfectly into believing that she was someone he could care about, could love, could protect. He’d been young, naïve and driven almost completely by hormones. How she’d known exactly what to do to get him to open up to her. Derek doesn’t like to think about how Kate Argent was the last person outside his family that he’d trusted.

            Gerard had molded her into the perfect werewolf hunter, devoid of feelings for the innocent humans that had been in the Hale house when she’d set it ablaze.

Derek and his family may have been the animals, but Kate Argent was a murderer.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Later that day, Derek thinks about asking Peter for help.

            It takes exactly five seconds for him to shake his head and realize that would mean trusting Peter, would mean admitting his weakness as the Alpha to his uncle.

            Derek may be a bad Alpha, but he’d like to think he’s not stupid.

            For the first time since Laura’s death, Derek actually begins to realize just how alone he is, and hates himself just a little bit more because of it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Just as the sun is setting over the ocean, Derek retrieves the box containing Laura’s ashes. He thinks she’d get angry at him for choosing to bury her in a plain white box, as if no thought whatsoever had been put into it. But Laura had always been the one to do that sort of thing, not Derek. 

            The headstone is smaller than the ones for his parents, already nestled into the dirt, Laura’s name engraved into the stone and staring back at him, mocking him, judging him. Derek wishes that someone would just invent a time machine so he could go back before the fire, before he messed everything up. If he had to do it all over again, Derek knows that the there is only one thing he would change. Because it’s the only thing that would make a difference.

            It feels good to grab a shovel and dig. It’s almost effortless, and Derek is glad to be doing something. He doesn’t need to make the grave too deep, since it’s just the box he’s burying.

            He kneels in the dirt, hands on the box containing Laura’s ashes, and finally, for the first time since Laura’s death, allows himself to cry for her. To accept that she’s gone.

            “I’m sorry, Laura. For the fire, and for everything afterward. And for not realizing you were in trouble until it was too late.” Derek knows that there’s no one around for miles, but he’s never been one to openly show his emotions. He’d decided after Kate and the fire that they were a weakness that had to be contained. Anger became the only acceptable emotion because he could use anger to frighten, to keep others away.

            He stays kneeling in the dirt until the sun goes down over the horizon. Doesn’t say the words out loud, but hopes that if Laura was alive, if his parents were still alive, that they would all forgive him for the fire. He’s lived with the guilt of their deaths for so long that he knows its what’s dragging him down and keeping him from a full transformation.

But he can’t let go of it, needs the anger because he doesn’t know who he is without it. He’s taught himself to control his wolf, and to hold on to his humanity through the anger he feels toward Kate and the hunters who murdered his family. Derek isn’t sure if he’d have any control if he gave that up.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            In the morning, Derek wakes up on the beach. He’s almost positive he didn’t fall asleep on the sand, and that causes him to momentarily panic. It’s been a long time since this has happened, and probably hasn’t occurred to him since he was in high school.

            The house is directly behind him, but Derek stays where he is. He feels the warmth of the sunrise on his skin, and lets it wash over him as he thinks about Laura and his parents. He thinks about coming to the beach house when they were children, about running through the woods in that controlled freedom their parents allowed. Remembers Laura teasing him about how weird it was that he was always content to be a Beta. In his mind, he can hear the distant voices of his parents explaining to him and Laura why their secrecy was important, all while at the same time they should never be ashamed of who and what they are.  

            Derek lies back down on the sand and remembers what it was like to be happy.


End file.
